My God wake-up call

I know my first prayer of the day should be said even before my feet hit the floor getting out of bed, but in reality it happens about 2 hours later before breakfast. After the 5 second thanksgiving prayer, my next prayer is always “Lord, help me love the girls as you love them”.  Now I know that’s not possible, thus the daily prayer!

 

So that’s my daily goal, to love as Jesus loves. He doesn’t expect anything in return, He just loves and tells us to do the same.

If only it were that easy! Well it is easy to love your family (well for the most part), or your friends- they show that they love you back; they appreciate you and what you do for them. But how do you love ones who don’t know how to love back, show appreciation or say thank you? I love working here at the Hogar, but there are days when I really do struggle with that. Why am I even here when the Sisters can easily do my job, and bonus, the girls will actually listen to them! I’m not needed here. I’m not even wanted here. Now, these are all lies that the devil sneaks into our minds while God is guarding our hearts making sure the lies don’t get that far, but on some days, they do.  

The other day, I got into a fight with one of our girls trying to get her out of bed (this was before breakfast), and I ended up walking out of the room frustrated and upset asking God what I was doing in Bolivia in the first place (I can be pretty dramatic at times… a lot of the time :P). The rest of the day went by fine and the little girls apologized to me for how she acted in the morning. But I have a feeling God wasn’t done with my negative thinking, because the next day a got a “God wake-up call".

One of my many goals this year was to read and reflect on all the gospels. My spiritual director recommended I start with Luke, and about 10 months into mission I made it to Luke 7. This either means a) some very (VERY) deep reflection has been done on the first 6 chapters or b) I’m a slacker. But it’s all in God’s timing, because Luke 6:27 is EXACTLY what I need to hear last week. It was my “God wake-up call”. The reason I was send herein the first place.

Luke 6:31 states the Golden Rule of “Do to others as you would have them do to you”. But it was the next line that grasped my heart- “32 For if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those whole love them.” It continues with “35 But rather, love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back; then your reward will be great and you will be children of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as [also] your Father is merciful”

First I want to say that I have no enemies here at the Hogar (at least I hope not)! Nor would I ever call anyone wicked, but what a beautiful reminder of what God is asking me to do this year. I am here to love without expecting anything in return. But the thing is, I get so much in return! These girls come from backgrounds that we can’t even imagine, they come from so much pain and hurt, and sometimes they don’t know how to respond to the love you’re giving them. But once a girl trusts you enough and peaks through her protective wall, something beautiful happens. The times when a little one curls into your lap while watching movie and says “Te quiero” or when an older one comes up to you and hugs you, smiles and says “oh Karen”. Those are the moments we get that we have to hold one to. OF course a little one isn’t to say “Thank you so much Karen for waking me up and making me shower in cold water in 40* weather” or “I really appreciate you telling me to wash my clothes a million times today”. Let’s be real now, I would hate me too sometimes. On the days were nothing seems to go my way, I have to remind myself why is it God chose me to come here this year- to love as He loves us, and to simply do what He has been asking us to do since Jesus spoke the words to his disciples.

There’s so many times in my prayer life that I don’t feel like God’s listening, or not responding. But it’s so crazy how God works when you give Him an opportunity to do so. This experience definitely encouraged me to open up the Bible more often. The Gospels are Jesus’ words to us, what is he trying to tell you? 

“Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary.
What we need is love without getting tired.  Be faithful in the small things because it is in then that your strength lies.”
Bl. Mother Teresa

 

"You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Matthew 8:26

How often do we hear the phrase “Trust in the Lord”? How often do we actually do so? I know I haven’t blogged in over 8 months- I just never know what to write about or what’s interesting to others! But I decided that with the few months I have left here in Bolivia, I do want to share with whoever wants to read this, what’s going on and what has been on my mind. 

This idea of trust has been on my heart and a real struggle for the past few months- well my whole life- but especially the past few months. 

My friend was staying with a non-Christian host family here in Cochabamba while studying Spanish before mission, and one day at breakfast, he was visibly anxious about something. The mom of the host family, very bluntly said “Aren’t you Catholic? Aren’t you supposed to believe and trust in God?” 

Shouldn’t it be that easy? Why can’t we just trust that God will provide, that He indeed has a plan!?The Bible tells us countless times not to be afraid, to trust in the Lord. So why don’t we? Why don’t we trust that our Heavenly Father is here for us and will give us all we need?

The Hogar is always in need of something, running out of or doesn’t have the money for one thing or another. For example, we’ve been waiting for over two months for a government donation of flour and other food staples. But somehow it always works out- a donation comes through, a family drops off a sack of fideo and a couple gallons of oil, or 10 flats of eggs when the girls haven’t had any for day, or my favorite, a backup truck full of bananas! One way or another, it always works out, the girls never go hungry or without their basic needs. But a few weeks ago, a need came up that seemed impossible to fulfill. I spend days trying to figure out a solution, I wanted to fix everything. But my problem was that I wanted to fix everything, alone. I barley turned to God with my need- I thought it was even of out His hands (But how ridiculous is that- how can something be out of HIS hands?!). 

One of those days, one of the Sisters found me in the convent chapel crying, overwhelmed and filled with so much fear and anxiety about everything that was going on and how it was going to turn out. I told her what was going on and well… she pretty much laughed at me and said “That’s what you’re so upset about?!” I looked at her confused and slightly hurt that she didn’t think much of my struggles. She notices and continued “You don’t have to worry, God will provide. You need to trust that.”

I was so difficult for me to believe that, but ever since I saw God in my life about 5 years ago, He’s ever left me, He had always provided. It wasn’t always in the way I expected or wanted, but what do I know? After talking to the Sister, I felt better and chose to believe in her words. With nothing more to offer, I turned to God and chose to trust. I became more at peace with the situation, although there still wasn’t a clear solution.

Until there was. 

La Divina Providencia ( The divine providence) answered our prayers. And all of a sudden, everything was fine.

Through this whole time, I acted like someone with no faith at all. How could I not trust that everything would work out- hasn’t it always? One of the Sunday gospel reading during this time was from Mathew 8:23-27.  Jesus and His disciples were out in the sea when a storm came across and water started filling the boat. The disciples woke Jesus, terrified of what was going on around them, and He replied "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?"and calmed the winds and the sea. I feel like God’s up in heaven shaking his head at me so much these days asking me the same question and saying “Am I not your Father, who loves you and will always protect you?”

This year in Bolivia has taught me, and continues to teach me, so much about myself and my faith. But this might have been the hardest, and best, lesson yet. Like the disciples in the boat, I was so scared of what was going on happen. But when I opened my heart to Christ and let Him take all of my brokenness into His arms, He calmed the seas.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Just so I never forget, this is up in my room(:

 

A Response to the Love With Which God Loves Us

I can’t believe I’ve been in Bolivia for over two months now! I wish I could post here more often, but between not knowing what to write about and not having too much free time, once a month will have to do!

One thing I was really struggling with when I first arrived to Bolivia was trying to figure out what God was calling me to do with my future. I’m not sure why I was trying to figure out every detail of my life when I go home when I have just arrived here, but I’ve been doing a lot better living in the present and being here on mission instead of back home a year in the future! So I spend a lot of time praying about what mission is and its role in my vocation.

Here’s a simple definition of mission: Missionary activity is a response to the love with which God loves us.

Feast Day of Our Mary of the Rosary at the Local Church

Sunday, October 19^th was national World Mission Day, and October is the month of World Mission Month, yeah I didn’t know that was a thing until I got here! I don’t understand too much Spanish, but the priest at the church we go to with the girls tends to focus his homilies for the kids, so I understand more that I think. On World Mission Day, he talked about vocations and discernment, yup our favorite words.

We are all called to holiness; we just have to listen to God to find out how He wants us to reach it. For a while, I thought that choosing a non religious vocation would somehow disappoint God. That if I want to love and the serve Him the best I can, I would have to become a religious sister. But we can’t just make up our vocation; we have to answer His call to what He wants us to do!

The thing is, we’re not choosing between a “good” and “bad” vocation, they’re all beautiful and they all serve the Lord! Also, we’re not the ones choosing. God already chose long before we existed, we just have to listen!

Daughters of the Divine Savior Community with Charlene

So at mass, the priest talked about how we are all called to be missionaries, we are all called to respond to the love the Lord has given us and share it with the world. The priest recognized the religious Sisters of the Divine Savior, then the three lay missioners and lastly, to my surprise, all the married couples at mass. He called them all up before the final blessing, recognized and blessed them before the whole congregation. I didn’t really understand why he blessed the couples on World Mission Day, so I asked Natalie, the other SLM, to ask one of the Sisters about it and translate for me. She said that parents are the first examples of missionaries their kids see. They are the first to teach their kids Love, which comes from God. At daily mass earlier that month, the same priest talked about the influence parents have on their children’s faith lives. He asked couple if they pray together, and if they pray with their kids. Then he asked how many parents talk about the option of religious life as a vocation for their kids. I’m not sure how many parents do, but I know I can be one of them!

Over the past four years, I’ve had the blessing of working, going on retreat and being surrounded with Sisters from different orders that follow different charisms. They’re all so beautiful and radiant with God’s love and joy. I love the Sisters I live and work with here, I love the idea of community life and living a simple life serving others. But the more I bring this to God, and the more time I spend here at the orphanage, God finds ways to tell me that although the word would definitely benefit from more missionary sisters, there’s a need for moms and parents that will spread this love and passion for Him in a different way. Our world needs parents that will raise our future Priests, Religious Brothers and Sisters, and Saints! My work with kids doesn’t have to end in Bolivia, neither does praying in a community. That community can be my family one day! I guess it took me until now to realize that answering His call for family life isn’t choosing a lesser vocation, and it doesn’t mean I love Him less or am disappointing Him, I’m just following what I feel He’s asking me to do!

We are all called to holiness, no matter where we come from or how we think the past has shaped us. Before I knew God’s love, I honestly believed I was never going to get married or have a family, and religious life wasn’t even on the radar! And just four years later, I’m a lay missioner in Bolivia, living with a religious community with the most wonderful boyfriend, a gift from God, waiting for me at home (:

Random picture of me with the Christ of Peace!